| Ashley, Annika, and Missed Chances |
[Dec. 5th, 2009|10:27 am] |
Playing Cal today. gkeurhdngkuservOHGODMYSOUL.
Then we're turning in our uniforms. A couple more music practices for recording session, then that's it. BAM! Freetime.
Band this year was a lot better than last year. I finally knew what I was doing, and so I finally felt comfortable and happy, and I got to know people outside of the section. Now of course a bunch of them are graduating...
My knuckle really hurts. I smashed it with my piccolo. Haaah...
So, interesting fact, the Cal band and HMB are apparently the two best friend bands of any two bands in the pac 10. We always party together when we're together, and there's a keg race and we just have lots of positive feeling. Which is AWESOME, I think. A bunch of Cal people came to the rally last night, actually. The last rally ever... SNIFF.
Hot Buttered Rum. Put it on your to-do list.
5 days of class, then two days of weekend, then two days of final. I have a lot to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|11:47 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From The Dead! | ] |
Leap!
(of faith)
I am trying to regain my confidence in humanity. I was just... really down for that last post, I guess.
These thoughts are too big for me. |
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| It's Complicated. |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|12:23 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
I'm tired of BEING somebody. Preexisting in other people's minds as some kind of framework version of myself. You don't know me. Nobody knows me. I don't even know me.
Or know what I mean.
I'm afraid of creating an image, or them creating an image. I want to tear them down. I do not belong to these ideas, these cardboard cutout versions of myself.
Maudlin maudlin maudlin lachrymose lachrymose lachrymose EMO I want to go home I want to stay here I am stuck stuck stuck and there's no way out out out and I don't know what I want want want, except that I feel lonely, because there is no such thing as human contact. We are alone with our ideas of people.
I don't know anyone. You are all ideas. I built this world. I need to tear it down before someone else does.
Oh my GOD how OLD am I really? GROW UP LOSER. GROW UP!!!
The old cage comfort. What does it mean to belong? |
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| Stripes |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|12:32 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | 1901 - Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix | ] |
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| Take the Blame. |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|12:37 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
NaNoWriMo... FINISHED.
Final Word Count: 32214.
In case you were wondering, that's a little longer than Call of the Wild, and a little shorter than The Time Machine. Longer than Animal Farm, shorter than the first Nancy Drew.
Okay, so I didn't win, but I'm still proud of myself. And hell yes I'm still going to finish this novel. If I didn't... Six would come kick my butt! And Sawyer would carry on being creepy forever! And Nine would never gain self confidence! And Andy and Jean would never fall in that special kind of undefinable love that I have so carefully planned for them! And of course, Dandy Andis would never figure out what the hell is going on with Him, and why he got attacked at the drop spot! Oh the mystery! Oh the misery!
Yes. I will not let this book haunt me, its half-completed ghost characters chasing me from dream to dream.
PROMISE MADE YUSS.
It has been such a long day. Month. Day.
The numerous luminous words of my vigorous humorous heart...
Welcome, December. |
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| Potatisor |
[Nov. 26th, 2009|11:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Takk... - Sigur Rós - Takk... | ] |
My book is so stuck right now. I am in a huge rut. I am done worrying about the deadline - i'm not going to finish, unless inspiration strikes in a big way. I just want to know how to MOVE FORWARD.
Let's assume you know this girl. You don't know her well, you've only spoken a couple of times, but you feel this really deep connection with her for some reason you can't explain. (well actually if you COULD explain it, that'd be great.) Anyway, how would you go out of your way to interact with her? If you knew she worked in a cafe, and you stopped by the cafe to see her, what would you say? If she was really introverted, how would you get the conversational ball rolling? How could you make it so that within a couple of months (and preferably a couple of chapters) you and this girl were best friends? or at least had a very special and irreplaceable, indefinite relationship?
Every time jean and andy have a conversation, they just can't talk. there's no CHEMISTRY. plenty of people i don't like are really good at talking with me, so why can't these people who actually DO like each other have a smooth conversation? THESE CHARACTERS MUST LEARN TO TALK, because it will mess up everything! they need to be the talking kind of best friends. talking is what they've GOT. but i just can't make it work!!
seriously, if you have ANY IDEAS WHATSOEVER, i really need something to start that avalanche. |
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| The Backup |
[Nov. 25th, 2009|12:26 pm] |
Here's some of the other side of Swedish culture for you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLvQbkj-exE
Don't ask me what he's rappin' about. Something with friends, and 'understand'...
I kinda had an epiphany last night. One that doesn't really have words to explain. Involving communication. And some other stuff. I don't know, it was like someone picked me up and moved me somewhere else. I was seeing the same world, but from a different angle.
Something a little lighter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn0LRB5GmWc
I'm kind of excited for Thanksgiving. And kind of not even a little bit. I just... It's hard to explain. It's related to the epiphany.
He died two years and a couple days ago.
I guess this is a post of ups and downs. |
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| Turn your HOUSE into a HOME. |
[Nov. 22nd, 2009|05:44 pm] |
Going over my life's accomplishments (I'm resumé writing), while terrible and frustrating, is kind of a self-esteem boost. I keep remembering random shit I've done.
GIRL SCOUTS
GSA
Stage managing/other drama things
Marching Band
are probably the big ones, but there's lots of other little things too. Like, TAing for APUSH, or volunteering at the KNS science fair, or knowing some french and some swedish, or having photoshop experience, or being a fast touch-typer (nanowrimo, bitches). Or hell, that stupid bag i got at EC for perfect attendance first semester of senior year. Yes, senior year. i'm so wild.
anyway, if you happen to remember some time i saved a puppy from a fire or something, please remind me, because i don't know how i'm supposed to remember becoming the person i am today. i just remember being there. here. whatever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|11:49 pm] |
We just had an AMAZING thunder/lightning/hailstorm for about five minutes. It was hailing so hard it looked like snow, and the ground was like an ice rink.
I LOVE CRAZY WEATHER.
(In 20 hours I'll be at home.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|08:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fireflies - Chris Garneau - El Radio | ] |
In case you hadn't heard, I've been getting some really weird spam messages lately. Here are some examples.
SPAM MESSAGE (10/28/09):
Subject: But it doesn't matter
Text: That Pobbles are happier without their toes [link]
SPAM MESSAGE (10/28/09):
Subject: this will make us one
Text: The Jumblies [link]
SPAM MESSAGE (10/29/09):
Subejct: But when she was bad
Text: His face at once became forlorn [link]
SPAM MESSAGE (10/29/09):
Subject: What nonsense
Text: Bessie would smuggle a cake or pastry from the feast [link]
SPAM MESSAGE (10/29/09):
Subject: For his Aunt Jobiska said, 'No harm
Text: In spite of all their friends could say [link]
SPAM MESSAGE (11/2/09):
Subject: make me sing and cry
Text: On top of the Crumpetty Tree [link]
4,400 words and counting. |
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| Did she desire him? |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|05:00 pm] |
I have had to make some changes to my original story idea, but after the knife slides out of my heart, it feels refreshing. Not to be melodramatic or anything. Whenever I tell anyone this story, I literally feel like I'm cracking my ribcage and showing them things that they shouldn't know.
But it also feels nice.
And I'm glad to be moving forward with it, at least. |
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| Sheepfold |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|03:35 pm] |
I am SO ANGRY that there are ROTTEN PUMPKINS (numbered seven) all over my living and DINING room and NICOLE WON'T CLEAN THEM THE FUCK UP. One was on Jessica's/my TELEVISION, which mind you, Nicole uses but gave us no money for, and last night it was so gross I moved it myself to some newspapers on the coffee table so gross rotten fruit juice wouldn't drip up in all the workings. Which it was starting to do.
ARGH THIS IS SO FUCKING GROSS I DON'T EVEN WANT TO EAT! There are mold spores up in all of my foodstuffs!!!
Stupid Orinda bitch. |
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| Until The Seventh One Rots |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|12:15 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  glum | ] |
I know how I want my book to sound - what the tone is supposed to be like, how the writing feels in my head. But I'm worried that that's not what I'm going to achieve. Especially since I just finished reading a book that both had a very sad ending and was nothing like how I want to write. I tend to adopt the styles that I've been reading, so it was dangerous to pick up that author just now, but heck if I didn't do it anyway.
So I was thinking about authors. Books I could maybe speed read or skim to get me in the proper mindset.
I want to reread Silent to the Bone, by E.L. Konigsburg, and if you haven't read it do it immediately. Especially you, Charlotte. It's for young audiences so it's fast, but not condescending at all.
I want to reread Juniper, by Monica Furlong. The style of fantasy is not what I'm searching for, but her characters are down to earth and driven, and that's what I want right now - character. I've got plenty of plot.
I want to reread Ronia Robber's Daughter, by Astrid Lindgren. It's for younger audiences than I'm shooting by a lot, but it does a good job at capturing something nice about the wild side of life.
I want to reread The Next American essay, edited by John D'Agata, because everything in that book makes my brain explode with ideas and beauty.
I want to reread.... oh, many other things. Ursula K LeGuin, Patricia A McKillip, Sylvia Louise Engdahl, Madeleine L'Engle, Diana Wynne Jones, Phillip Pullman, Neil Gaiman, not to mention all the books that I haven't read yet.
There is so much in this world. Sigh... I'm still maudlin over this novel's ending. Too many lackluster murders, not enough emotional explosions and passionate entwinements. CAN'T HAVE IT ALL. |
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| The Pobbles' Missing Toes |
[Oct. 29th, 2009|11:08 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sailing Home - Karen O and the Kids - Where The Wild Things Are | ] |
The seniors this year did alice in wonderland again for their homecoming float. creativity much? methinks not. sigh.
i need more food, i'm jittery from a poor coffee-to-eatin's ratio.
dressing up tonight for HMB, the costume is complete! also going to New English Major's Orientation at 3.30, which MIGHT make me late to band, which would SUCK, but i'm hoping not. if it's less than an hour and a half i should be good.
ok, time to go eat and carve my tiny pumpkin! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|03:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Castles - Amen Dunes - Dia | ] |
Deerstalker came! It fits a little awkwardly, but I like it very much. :D
I also got a small pumpkin. How should I carve it? I was thinking Harry Potter or star constellations, but I'm open to other suggestions...... Nothing's coming to meeeee.
Charlaine Harris's new book comes out today. I want it.
I really like being on the english major listserv. I keep getting really interesting emails about creative writing groups that meet up and chat and have fun writing and stuff, and I really want to join one! Alas, band... Why is HMB at the BEGINNING of the year? I'd rather go to the first meeting of the year than the quarter, if I want to get to know people.
Astronomy section is SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING than astronomy. I feel like I actually learn stuff there. Something's wrong when your TA is better than your professor.
Should I should I should I try to do National Novel Writing Month (Na No Wri Mo)??? It's kind of a big time commitment. Oh NaNoWriMo, why couldn't you be in April?? (If you don't know what this is, check out http://www.nanowrimo.org/) |
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| Pale Pressed Leaves |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|09:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
Ignorance is the parent of fear.
I don't really have much to say, but I want to write something, even if it's just a blog. We watched a video about an island in the Bahamas that was destroyed by a volcano, how there had been this beautiful fauna covered valley, and then in the period of less than a year it became a huge cinder cone. The cities were destroyed, buried in ash and pyroclastic flow. Rooftops jetted out of solid rock. It... it made me want to write. Can you imagine leaving a place for 6 months, and coming back to find... a new mountain? Cloudy ash filling the once beatific sky, and homes half buried as if by quicksand? Ballistics crashing through your school, your airport, your church? Everyone... gone.
I have a test tomorrow. Well, four tests, if you count music checks. Stay, Tripping Billies, Mighty Oregon. Oh no wait, five. I have a Swedish quiz too. |
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| Spirit of the Eagle Award |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|04:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Running, Returning - Akron/Family - Feel Free. | ] |
This obituary is a great example of a real-world application for my many years of essay writing.
(I won the hat.) |
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| Hissing Fauna Are You The Destroyer? |
[Oct. 19th, 2009|03:59 pm] |
There has been some great coup in my heart. A shift - like the magnetic poles. The in-between was filled with bombardments of cosmic rays. But who am I to say that where we are now isn't exactly where we always should have been? In any case. I don't think I regret it. How can I?
Things become older and newer and more clear, understanding floods in from corners you didn't know were there. My Life has a new meaning and place in the universe. Old advice creeps in to make sense anew like it never did before. Self-discovery, Independence, but mostly an Eye Opening. The eyes are opening. You didn't know you could see there before, did you? But you can. You can see everything.
Why do we publish? Why does anyone but me need to know? Or do I just need to say it? No sound is made if there are not ears to hear it. And I am a Sound Machine. I surround hatred and force it to surrender. |
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| Synthesizers |
[Oct. 18th, 2009|10:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Suffer For Fashion - Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna Are You The Destroyer? | ] |
I am going to be Sherlock Holmes for halloween. I'm on the quest for a perfect hat and pipe.
And I'm going to edit my grandfather's eulogy this week. Being the family english major has unanticipated consequences. |
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